Andy Griffith (completed fan fiction story)

Andy walked into the courthouse, wearing his usual Sheriff’s uniform, prepared for another day. The time was a little past nine in the morning. His belly was full of one of his Aunt Bee’s delicious breakfast. Opie was excited about show and tell at school. The sky was a crisp blue. Autumn was taking bloom. It would be a good day. That was, until Barney rushed out of the back room in a panic.

Barney was in his Deputy Sheriff’s uniform, pressed and neat as usual. His deputy’s hat was firmly on his head. He was medium hat and thin. He looked like a broom stick in a uniform, Andy sometimes thought. "Andy, Andy, Andy! Oh, boy, oh boy, oh boy. Are we in trouble, trouble, trouble…T-R-O-U-B-L-E!" Barney paced around the court house in his panic.

Andy steadied himself. He walked to his desk, sat down, and watched Barney. Barney was carrying a letter in his right hand. "Okay, Barney, why are we in trouble?" Andy asked calmly. Andy was Barney’s cousin. He had known Barney since they were kids. He knew Barney was a high strung, nervous, little fella at times. He also knew Barney was famous for making a mountain out of a mole hill.

"Oh, Andy, it’s bad!" Barney rushed to his chair beside Andy’s desk and sat down. He placed the letter in front of Andy. "Now, don’t panic. I’m sure you just overlooked this letter yesterday. Otherwise, you would have told me. We’ll get through this, pal."

Andy looked down at the letter. "You mean about the FBI coming here? Barney, I read this letter yesterday. I know the FBI will be coming. It’s nothing to panic over."

"What?" Barney jumped his feet. "Andy, we’re talking about the FBI, here. The big guys…the real suits. These guys mean business. They don’t kid around. And they’re coming here, to Mayberry, to talk to you and me. And the letter doesn’t even tell us what about?"

Andy sighed. He got up, walked to the backroom, poured himself a cup of coffee and took a sip. Barney followed like a lost puppy. "Now, Barney, it’s nothing to panic over. I’m sure whatever the reason is, it’s nothing to panic over."

Barney shook his head. "You beat everything, you know that. Here we are, with a real emergency on our hands, and you act like it’s nothing."

"What do you want me to do, Barney? It’s an official visit by the Federal Bureau of Investigations. Maybe they’re coming to ask us to do them a favor?"

"A favor," Barney said, exasperated.

"Why not, Sheriff Departments can help out the FBI when needed. Look, all I know is that they’re coming here for an official visit, which means the matter is serious—"

"Bet your better it’s serious!"

Andy continued slowly. "Which means we will conduct ourselves in the utmost professionalism, understood?"

"You’re not at all worried?" Barney asked, shaking his head at Andy. "I swear you’re the most gullible Gus I know. Oh, what’s the point? I’m going on patrol." Barney stormed out of the backroom and then the courthouse.

Andy smiled. He went back to his desk. He was curious about what the FBI might want? But he also knew, whatever the reason was, he would give all the support he could. Andy went to work on the usual morning reports.

Barney passed Floyd’s Barber shop. Floyd was sitting outside on a bench, dressed in his usual white barber’s jacket, enjoying the morning, "Nice, morning, eh, Barney? Oh, lovely, morning. Birds chirping, sky nice and blue, you can almost smell autumn."

Barney paused. "What? Oh, yeah, I guess it is a nice morning."

Floyd looked at Barney. "Something wrong, Barney? You look upset?"

Barney looked around. He took a deep breath and sat down next to Floyd. He crossed his arms. "You could never tell, could you?"

"Tell what?"

"That underneath this sleepy, quiet community, there lurks darkness somewhere."

"Huh?" Floyd asked confused.

"Out there, somewhere is the reason. It has to be? A gambling ring? Spies? Who knows what? And we small town boys look too inept to handle it so they bring in the big boys. Oh, the mayor isn’t going to like this at all. And in the meantime, Andy sits calm as calm as a cool breeze."

Floyd stared at Barney. "Barney, I’m not sure what you mean?"

"If I find the reason first, and handle it myself, it’ll show those FBI guys that we small town boys can handle ourselves. Yeah, that’s the ticket!" Barney stood up. He looked around. "Yeah, that’s exactly what I’ll do. Andy obviously is too blind to see the real truth, here." Barney walked off without explaining anymore to Floyd.

Floyd watched Barney walk off. "Sure is a nice morning," he said to himself.

Barney walked to the Hotel in town. He would begin here. He would stand across the street and stake out the hotel a while and see if he saw any suspicious looking people come or go. Mrs. Green walked by and told Barney good morning. Barney waved her off impatiently. Then Little Joey Walker pulled up on his bike with training wheels, wearing is cowboy hat and plastic six shooters. "Watch ’a doing, Barney?" he asked.

Barney looked down at Little Joey, "Oh, hi, Joey. Look, don’t bug me now. I’m on business."

"What kind of business?" Little Joey asked.

"Official, now, go away. Shoo."

"What does official mean?"

Just then two men in black suits and black hats walked out of the Hotel. The two men climbed into a black car and pulled away. Barney’s eyes went wide. Bingo! He turned and almost bumped into Little Joey. "Look, kid, I don’t have time for this. Go home!" Barney hurried away. The car was heading in town toward the court house. Barney hurried and saw the car pull up in front of the bank. The Bank’s President walked out of the bank and got in the car. The car pulled away. Barney was almost hysterical. This was big. Really big! He knew he had to tell Andy, now. He had no choice.

Barney rushed to courthouse and burst in. Andy was finishing up his morning report. Barney ran to the water cooler that stood between the only two jails cells in the office, and poured him a glass of water and chugged it down. Andy waited patiently. "This is big," Barney kept saying to himself over and over.

Finally Andy got up and walked to Barney. "What is big?" he asked.

"Oh, this is big…B-I-G!"

"What is?"

Barney paced. "I knew it. I knew it. I knew it. I felt it in my gut. Those FBI boys don’t come here for a friendly chat. I knew there had to be a reason. And oh, boy, did I find it. And it’s big, really big!"

"What is big? And what did you find?" Andy asked again.

"Andy, sit down, will you?" Barney walked Andy to his desk. Andy sat down. Barney took his seat. "Andy, we have a major crime spree taking place right here in Mayberry. And I think Mr. Tate, the Bank President is in on it. Oh, this is big!" Barney began to get up, but Andy grabbed his arm and told him to sit and explain. Barney explained about the two men in the black suits and hats, the black car, the drive to the bank, Mr. Tate coming out and getting in the car with them and driving off. "Andy, this is big."

Andy sat back in his chair. "Out of state tags, too, huh?"

"Virginia."

The phone rang. Andy picked the phone up, "Oh, hello Mr. Berry? What? Again? Oh, sure. I’ll send Barney out. He’ll handle it. Okay. Good bye." Andy hung up the phone. "Barney, I need you to run out and help Mr. Berry get his three cows back. They’ve wondered off again."

Barney sighed, "Now? But we have a major crime spree taking place?"

"And we’ll have a major feud taking place of those cows roam onto Mr. Lowe’s property again and eat his grass. You know Wade and Tom’s land run along next to each other, and those two don’t particularly have fond feelings for each other."

Barney rolled his eyes. "Oh, all right. Hold down the fort. I’ll hurry." Barney rushed out the courthouse mumbling about three dumb cows.

As soon as Barney pulled off in the squad car, a black car pulled up in front of the courthouse. The two men in the back suits and hats got out with the bank president and walked inside. A long meeting took place.

When Barney returned, Andy was in the backroom making a fresh pot of coffee. Barney rushed to Andy. "Sorry it took me so long, dumb cows." Andy handed Barney a cup of coffee. His face was serious. "What?" Barney asked.

"Seems you were right about the two men in the black suits and the bank president. Mighty fine piece of detective work."

"I knew it! So what do we do, huh? Wait until we catch them in the act and then charge them? Huh?"

Andy shook his head. "Barney, sit down." Barney sat down on the cot in the back room. "It’s not what you’re thinking though. You see, those two men in the back suits are the FBI agents who were coming for that visit."

"FBI agents?"

"They showed up with Mr. Tate soon after you left. You see, Barney, the FBI is going to be transporting a very dangerous prisoner from Washington to Atlanta. They’ll make two stops on the way, one being here. While they’re here, they’ll put some very important papers a security box at the bank to hold overnight. We’re a small town. It’s less dangerous for them this way."

"Wow," Barney said. "We’re in the big time now."

"Barney, this must be kept quiet, and I do mean quiet. You can’t tell a soul because if this gets out, you and I could be a in a lot of trouble. I told because I didn’t want you thinking a crime spree was taking place here in Mayberry."

Barney stood up. "You can count on me, Sheriff. Mum’s the word. Yes, sir, wild horses couldn’t drag this information out me."

"Good." Andy took a sip of his coffee. "They’ll be arriving tomorrow afternoon with the prisoner. You and I will be staying here all night with her."

"Her?" Barney asked.

"She’s accountant. She’s been embezzling money from the government."

"Her? A female? That’s what’s so dangerous?" Barney laughed. "I thought we were talking about a real, live, certified, dangerous criminal, here. A female?" Barney laughed again.

"They didn’t tell me why she was dangerous? All they told me was that she was a dangerous prisoner and I will treat her in such a way." Andy walked out of the back room.

"A dangerous female prisoner? Ha!" Barney said and followed Andy. "Some crime spree this turned out to be."

**

Andy walked into the courthouse and saw Barney sweeping out the holding cell the prisoner would be place in overnight. Barney was whistling an old school song. "Hey, Barn," Andy called out. He walked to the holding cell. "It’s looking good."

Barney rolled his eyes. "Oh, brother, don’t kid me."

"Are you still upset because the prisoner is a female?" Andy asked.

"Our first big chance at something major taking place right here in Mayberry, and we get a crook female accountant…some crime spree."

Andy sighed. "I know you think this turned out to be a bum deal, Barney, but trust me when I say this: We will exercise all caution at all times. Female or not, she’s dangerous. And as a law enforcement officer, you should know that."

Barney nodded his head impatiently. "I know, Andy, I know. It’s just…well, nothing ever happens around her!" Barney exclaimed. "How is the state ever going to give us those extra funds when our idea of crime is Old Man Jenkins jay walking and Otis coming in here sauced?"

"I understand, Barney, I do. But right now let’s focus on the prisoner. It’s almost time for them."

"I know." Barney put the broom away. He poured himself a cup of coffee and leaned against the back room door. "I’ll take first shift tonight, if that’s okay? I might as well, nothing is happening anyway."

"We’ll both stay here, tonight, Barney. Those are the orders."

Barney grinned. "What, do they think this dangerous female might escape?"

Andy shrugged his shoulders. "Those are the orders, Barn. I think I’ll have a cup of coffee while we wait."

"You know, Andy, this could have been the real deal? What is Mr. Tate and those FBI guys were in on some kind of a crime spree? Then what would we have done?"

"Oh, handled it, I suppose."

"Yeah, but how? Nothing like that has ever happened before. And it got me to thinking about how prepared Mayberry really is if something like that did ever happen?"

"Yeah, yeah, I know what you mean, Barney. But as I always say, it’s best not to look for trouble and steer it away as best as you can."

Barney rolled his eyes. "You’re a real Sherlock, let me tell you."

Andy laughed. "Maybe? Hey, did I tell you the Johnson kid snuck a frog into show and tell yesterday? It got loose and went everywhere."

Barney’s eyes lit up. "Everywhere?"

"Helen told me the whole thing last night at dinner. She said all the girls were screaming and running. Opie finally caught it."

"Oh, boy, remember when we did that?"

Andy nodded his head. "I brought the frog, and you let it get loose by mistake."

"Well, the box was flimsy. Besides, it was worth it to see the look on Old Lady Millstone’s face. Oh boy, she about went into a fit right then and there."

"And we’re got out hides tore up," Andy laughed. "I didn’t sit for a week."

"Me, neither," Barney admitted.

The courthouse door opened and the two FBI men brought in the female prisoner. Andy and Barney put down their coffee and joined them. Barney rolled his eyes as he approached. The female prisoner was an old lady, for crying out loud. She had gray hair and was wearing glassed. She was wearing a plain bluish gray dress. She was short. She almost looked like Aunt Bee. Some criminal, Barney thought. Andy gave him a warning look. "Sheriff, this is your prisoner for tonight. As we discussed, we want constant watch on her. You and your deputy are to remain here at all times. Deputy, please take this prisoner to her cell and secure it."

"Come on," Barney almost sighed.

The old lady nodded her head and gave Barney a sweet smile. She followed slowly. Barney actually felt bad for her. He showed her to her cell and closed the door behind her as she walked through. "You make yourself comfortable," he told the old lady.

"Don’t let her age fool you," the FBI agent warned. "She’s as crafty as I’ve ever seen and as dangerous as they come. We’ll be back at seven tomorrow morning to pick her up." The two FBI agents left the courthouse.

"Oh, they think everybody is like that," the old lady told Barney. "All I did was take some money because I needed an operation and couldn’t afford it. I know it was wrong, but when you get my age and you’re on your own, you do things that you sometimes regret."

"An operation?" Barney asked.

"For my back. I hurt it some time back." The old lady made a painful face. "I know what I did was wrong, and I’ll go to prison for it, but dangerous? Me?" The old lady sat down in the rocking chair in the cell.

"What’s your name?" Barney asked, seeing that asking for name could bring no harm.

"You can call me Maggie, Deputy."

Andy shook his head. He immediately knew what kind of lady Maggie was. "Barney, why don’t you come finish up that filing you need to do. We’ll leave the prisoner to herself."

Barney walked to Andy. "Oh, come on, Andy, she’s harmless. You know how those FBI guys are, everybody’s a criminal. She admitted what she did was wrong. What is going to do, knit her way out of there?"

"All the same, get to your filing."

Barney sighed. "Just shake me in case I fall asleep."

Andy sat down at his desk and worked on some papers. He periodically glanced up at the prisoner. Maggie was sitting quietly, rocking, and watching himself and Barney. "Tell, me, Sheriff, when is dinner? I am getting a little hungry.

"My Aunt Bee will bring dinner shortly."

"Maybe I can run to the Diner and get her a sandwich, you know, just something to hold her over until Aunt Bee brings dinner?" Barney asked.

Andy shook his head. "She’ll have to wait. Filing done?"

Barney shut the filing cabinet, "Yeah." He walked into the back room and brought out two fresh cups of coffee. He handed Andy one and sat down. "Maybe Maggie wants a cup?"

Andy shook his head. "We’re to make as little as contact as possible."

Barney shook his head in amazement. "You amaze me, you know that. If you would have passed her on the street, you would have helped her across. But because those FBI guys tell you she’s a threat, you treat her as if she’s the most dangerous person alive. You wouldn’t dare treat Aunt Bee like that."

"Aunt Bee didn’t embezzle twenty-five thousand dollars from the government, either."

Barney whistled. He looked at Maggie, "Twenty-five thousand dollars?"

"And that money is still missing," Andy pointed out. "The FBI knows she hid the money somewhere. If she were ever to get loose and get to that money, she could easily vanish. Also, she had an accomplice they never caught."

"My dear Nephew, he was just trying to help. I’m not proud of what we did. I hope he turns himself in. We must take responsibility for our actions," Maggie said, innocently.

"You see, Andy, she knows what she did was wrong. Her nephew was just trying to help."

The court house doors opened and Aunt Bee walked in carrying dinner. She glanced at the cell and when she saw Maggie she frowned. "Why, she’s my age," she whispered to Andy as she set dinner out on the desk.

"Just get on home and tell Opie to behave himself and get to bed on time," Andy told Aunt Bee. He kissed her cheek and sent her on her way. He then took up a dinner plate and walked to the cell. "Open the cell," he told Barney. Barney opened the cell. Andy handed Maggie her dinner. "There is a fork and a spoon. I expect to get them back. I wouldn’t won’t Aunt Bee thinking someone stole them, now." Andy backed out of the cell. Barney locked the cell behind Andy. Andy took the cell keys and put them in his desk. He sat down with Barney and ate dinner.

Outside the courthouse a young man walked past. He stopped, tossed a cigarette down, grinned, and walked on.

"Want to play checkers, later?" Barney asked, taking a bite of fried chicken.

"Hmmm…sure," Andy said taking a bite of potato salad, "Going to be a long night, anyway."

"You could go home. I’m sure there isn’t going to be an escape attempt tonight," Barney laughed.

"Maybe? But the major made it very clear he wanted this to take place without any problems, Barney. I’ll just stay here with you tonight."

Barney shrugged his shoulders. "Whatever bakes the major cakes," he said.

When night feel, and after four games of checkers, Andy told Barney he was going to get some sleep and to wake him in two hours, leaving Barney alone with Maggie. Barney sat down at Andy’s desk and picked up a magazine.

"I’m glad he’s gone," Maggie told Barney. "He’s like all the rest. You, though, you have a kindness to you. Reminds me of my husband, rest his soul."

"Oh, Andy’s okay. He’s just a little Naïve sometimes, thinks too much inside the box."

Maggie stood up. She stretched her back and made a painful face. "Oh," she cried out.

Barney jumped up. "What? What is it?"

"Oh, it’s just my back," Maggie moaned.

"Is there anything I can get you? Some aspirin?"

"Oh, no, I’ll be fine." Maggie studied Barney carefully. "There is something you can do, though."

"What is that?"

"The Sheriff wasn’t wearing a gun. I like that. Guns scare me. Can you take your gun off? I just hate the sight of those awful things."

Barney laughed. "Oh, don’t worry, it’s not loaded. I carry a bullet in my pocket, but I never use it."

"A bullet? In your pocket?" Maggie asked amazed. "Can you show me?"

Barney walked to the cell. He opened his front left shirt pocket and pulled out a single bullet. "See."

"And you never use it?" Maggie asked?

"Oh, no, Mayberry is a quiet town. Nothing ever happens here. But if it ever did…" Barney took out his gun, loaded the one bullet and nodded, "Ol’ Barn would take care of it."

Suddenly, Maggie fainted. Barney jumped. He ran to the desk in a panic, grabbed the cell keys, and ran back to Maggie. He opened the cell, turned, took some water from the water cooler and ran to Maggie. He kneeled down. "Oh," Maggie moaned.

"Try and drink some water," Barney begged.

Maggie began to come around. "I’m…sorry…when I saw you load and aim your gun…oh…please help me stand."

Barney helped Maggie to her feet. "I’ll help you sit down." Barney walked Maggie to the rocking chair.

Before Maggie sat down, she moaned again. "Oh, dear, my glasses feel off. Be a dear and get them."

Barney turned and saw Maggie’s glasses laying on the cell floor bent to pick them up, and that’s when he felt a cool, clam, sneaky hand reach down and pull his gun out of his holster. His eyes went wide. He slowly turned. Maggie put a finger to her lips. Barney nodded. She motioned with the gun for Barney to sit down in the rocking chair. "But…you can’t do this," he pleaded, "I…they were all right about you."

Maggie stuffed a napkin from dinner into Barney’s mouth. She took his handcuffs, brought his arms behind the rocking chair and handcuffed his hands together. "You’re as dumb as the rest of them," she almost laughed. "And I thought my nephew might have to break me out of here." Maggie went to the bed in the cell, stood up on it, looked through the bars on the window, and made a distinct whistle. Someone whistled back. "Well, deputy, I would like to thank you for being so gullible. I will now be off to collect my money. Which, I did hide right here in your sleepy little town. My nephew was kind enough to get it for me."

Maggie eased her way out the cell with the gun. She carefully made her way to the courthouse doors and opened them. She didn’t see her nephew, but stepped out anyway. As she did a hand grabbed the gun and another grabbed her arm. "Hold it real still," Andy said. Andy was holding a gun of his own. He turned and motioned with his gun. Maggie’s nephew appeared in handcuffs and walked into the courthouse. Andy walked Maggie in. He put Maggie and her nephew in the second holding cell and walked back outside, retuning with a brief case. He sat the briefcase down on his desk and went to Barney. "Barney, well done," he said, setting Barney free. "You played her like a fiddle."

"What? Maggie almost yelled. "You mean this was a set up? I was out smarted by two hick town officers?"

Barney’s face was confused. "Andy, I didn’t…you were right and—"

Andy winked at Barney. "You did just fine. You did exactly what I needed you to do." Andy walked to his desk and made a call. "The two FBI agents will be here in a minute," He opened the brief case and showed Barney twenty-five thousand dollars. "I suspect we might get a mention for getting this money back."

"I don’t understand?" Barney said.

"You see, the FBI knew the money was somewhere right here in Mayberry. The papers the FBI put at the bank are financial statements that can put our prisoner away for a very long time. And it was one of those statements that our prisoner wrote on the back of. She wrote the name of a town: Mayberry. That was her mistake."

"I didn’t write it. It was my dim witted nephew!" Maggie exclaimed.

"They let her nephew escape on purpose, hoping he would come here and retrieve the money and try and break Maggie out. He was spotted in Mayberry yesterday by the FBI agents."

Barney sat down. "Well, why hide that money here, for crying out loud?"

"Because no would in this town would suspect an innocent old lady to be a criminal in this town," Maggie said. "It was perfect."

Andy crossed his arms and smiled. "I’m sorry I had to use you as bait, Barney. It was the only way. But it seems we did get our crime spree, after all."

"Some crime spree? I let a little old lady get the better of me."

"No, you let your goodness think for you, and there’s nothing wrong with that, Barney. I know next time you’ll be much more cautious, though."

"Oh, who are you kidding, Andy? I blew it!"

"Barney, she fooled the entire government. The only way suspicion was cast on her was because she got greedy and started taking too much at one time."

Barney thought for a minute. "Yeah, that’s right. She did fool the government, didn’t she? And there’s no she would have gotten that much out of Ol’ Barney."

"Operations aren’t—"Maggie began to say.

"Oh, pipe down sister! I don’t won’t to hear any more of your sob stories!" Barney said.

The two FBI agents walked in. They saw Maggie and her nephew in custody and the money on the desk. "Well, Sheriff, we must congratulate you and your Deputy on a job well done."

"Oh, it was nothing," Andy said humbly.

"All in a day’s work," Barney said as he sniffed and hitched his gun belt. "We knew her scam all along. She didn’t fool us for one second. No sir, not for one second."

Andy smiled. All’s well that ends well, the thought.

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